dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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