I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.