first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize