New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
