Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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