mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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