people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
