the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
