loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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