so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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