my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
