all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
