she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Porn is love you can see.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
