people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
