I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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