fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
