I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
