god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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