I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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