and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
