I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
there is glitter all over my balls
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
