From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
