I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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