its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
