need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
