well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
