Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
