Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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