Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
