I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
