Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
