Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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