Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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