and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
