Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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