Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
