True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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