I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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