alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
