Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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