What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
