Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
