I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
