I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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