Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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