The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
