yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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