if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
