just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
