i permit you to call me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
