Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
