There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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