Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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