I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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