She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
