When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
