pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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